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Saturday, May 9, 2009

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster

Baby Update:

Emily came home on Wednesday but Alex is still in the hospital. We are very excited to have Emily at home now, it's nice to have a wireless baby, however, it certainly hasn't made life any easier. We thought Alex might be coming home on Mother's Day as he had gone three days without having any apnea spells but then he went and had a bunch yesterday and in the wee hours this morning so he will be in the hospital a minimum of 5 more days if he doesn't have any more spells. Apparently it is not unusual for the girl twin to go home before the boy twin. Girls just mature faster (I don't think that ever changes!). So, we are just waiting for Alex to become more coordinated with his feedings as that is when he forgets to breath. The nurse tells me that quite often babies change quite a lot once they hit 37 weeks in their gestational age (which will be on Monday) but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Mommy Update:

I am definitely riding the emotional rollercoaster these days. I had so much hope when Alex went three days without spelling that when I found out yesterday he had a spell, it hit me really hard. I pretty much cried from yesterday afternoon until about 10 am this morning. Most of the time I feel strong and am able to take it day by day but I think things start to build up and it just takes one thing to make it all come crashing down.

I feel like I'm being split in to three pieces, one for Emily, one for Alex and one for Lizzie with nothing much left for Greg or even myself for that matter. Emily is probably getting the most of me these days as she and I hang out at the hospital together all day but she also spends much of her day sleeping in a car seat which I feel bad about. Thankfully she is still in the eat/sleep phase so it makes life a little bit easier. The nurses tell me that preemies start to "wake up" around their due date (June 1st for my babies). After that I imagine things will get a bit more challenging but at least Alex should be home by then.

It absolutely breaks my heart to leave Alex every day. No mother should have to leave their child behind. If he has a nurse that I like, it makes it a bit easier but there are some nurses that I'm not too fond of. I love the nurses that are nuturing to both the baby and the mother and there are some wonderful nurses here at Beverly. They really deserve a medal! But there are also some not-so-great-nurses as well. They may be skilled in their nursing abilities but I don't think they belong in the Special Care nursery which also requires compassion as a skill. These are the nurses that are too business like and following the rules without regard to the situation. They rush you through a care session and don't take the time to find out how you, the mother, would like to do things. There was one nurse who wouldn't let my mother hold Alex until it was exactly the time he was supposed to start his care!!!! This is understandeable when they are first born because they need to be left alone but at this stage they are just growing and as far as I'm concerned, need to be held as much as possible. I was so angry when I found this out. Thankfully the nurse manager was very understanding so I don't think that will be happening again.

It also kills me not to be able to spend much time with Lizzie. I miss her so much. Greg is doing a fabulous job with her but I miss my first born. She is fascinated with her new sister and loves to be around her. So far she hasn't shown any jealously or acted out. I hope that continues. I took her out of school early last week to spend the afternoon with her and will probably do the same this week. It's a horrible feeling being torn apart like this. I know it will end and some day it will be a distant memory but right now it feels like this is lasting forever. The twins are three weeks old today and Alex has yet to see his home. This is not a life I would wish for anyone.


Carrie27 said...

You poor thing!

Even though my twins went home with me, there were many long months I felt the same way. I just didn't feel like there was enough of me to go around equally to everyone.

I hope little Alex is home within 5 days, and not a moment later. It's time for him to be home with the rest of his family.

You are doing an amazing job, and don't you forget that! One person can only do so much, and you are doing all that you can! Happy Mother's Day!

Sarah H said...

Hi Sweetie,
I can't believe it's 3 weeks already, though I'm sure it seems much much longer to you. I hope Alex is clear for the next 5 days so he can come home.
I understand the feeling of stuff building up so much that one thing can set off everything for you. It's a horrible feeling, so I'm thinking of you. I know it feels horrid now, but just try to hold on to the thought of when Alex is home, cos then you won't be torn in so many directions, and you'll be able to enjoy your whole family. And you'll have more time for yourself and for Greg. It'll be worth it, just a little bit longer sweetheart. Sending you lots of hugs
Sarah xxx

Elana Kahn said...

I really hope Alex comes home soon!! And no more apnea spells either! My little girl also matured faster than my little boy...and is still bigger than he is by a few ounces. *big hugs*

Jamie said...

Hang in there. I hope Alex comes home soon and you're able to develop what will be your new normalcy.

Happy Mother's Day.

nonlineargirl said...

I am hoping for everything to continue progressing so that you can all be together at home.

Katie said...

Hang in there! I know how you feel, just a little. Aiden was in the hospital for 9 more days after Natalie and I came home, I remember having a breakdown and sobbing, "I just want my son!" ... he'll be home before you know it.

It's very true that they wake up around their due date, too. We were home for over a month when all of a sudden my eating/sleeping babies found their vocal cords and criiiiied for hours. Don't wish for that part quite yet!

Sending you all big hugs, Big Sister Lizzie and Daddy Greg too. You'll be a complete family in no time.