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Friday, November 21, 2008

Coming Out of the Haze

I finally feel like I'm coming out of the haze and getting my old energy back. I even had enough energy at the end of yesterday to dance around with my daughter while we were waiting for Daddy to come home. We had a lot of fun dancing to some fun upbeat songs on my iPod.

I have a few posts to write, including a report on the ultrasound I had on Monday and one our recent double ear infection but that will have to wait. For now I'd like to point you to a post that was written by my new blogger friend, NonLinear Girl. She is in a similar position to me. She has a daughter (a bit older than Lizzie) and is now pregnant with twins, all thanks to IVF, and she seems to be struggling with some of the same things I am. You should definitely read her post but to sum it up, she talks about struggling with the concept of giving things up.

I've definitely struggled with that concept since having Lizzie. Don't get me wrong, I love her more then I have ever loved anything. She is a bright light in my life and is so much fun to be around and I would never have chosen not to have her. I certainly didn't go through all those IVF treatments with any doubt in my mind. However, that doesn't mean I don't miss parts of my old life, the things I've temporarily given up. Mainly I miss the flexibility and freedom you have when you don't have young children. I miss waking up, having a leisurely morning then doing some work on the house or whatever else I felt like doing.

My husband thinks I'm crazy, that Lizzie has given our life meaning, and she certainly has. But I've told him that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and a perfect child and that I can miss parts about my old life without taking anything away from my current life. I get really annoyed with parents who act like their children are perfect and their lives are perfect, like they have nothing they miss about their old lives. I know deep down they do and they are afraid that if they don't act like everything is perfect then people will think they are bad parents but we can't forget that parents are humans too. We have lives beyond our children and we need to maintain our humanity.

20 comments:

Amy said...

This is exactly why I try so hard to live in the here and now. While my heart aches to have a child, I definitely want to enjoy my life without children while I can. I don't want to look back and see that I wasted all this time wishing for something (even though that something is so incredibly great) that I forget to live my life and enjoy the time I'm in right now.

ICLW

alicia said...

I think that makes total sense!!! Even while ttcing we look back at our old lives and miss things about that part, but still really want to concieve! I think in any point of life we will look back and miss pieces of life we used to have, but that does not mean we are not grateful for the amazingness we have in our lives currently!!

congrats on your PG!

here from ICLW

IdleMindOfBeth said...

ICLW

Beautifully stated!

I've often felt that perfection is an illusion, not something that's ever truly attainable. Seems like striving for it, or pretending to have it, causes you to miss out on all the little "flaws" of life. And, for me, the flaws are what make things interesting!

Celia said...

I know I will miss the days of slobbing around in pajamas eating nachos for dinner and counting the salsa as a vegetable.

I know I will miss spending a whole day in bed reading a book from start to finish.

I have very few illusions because I was a nanny for five years and I refuse to believe ANYONE who says they want to play Sparkle Magic Princess Tea Party at 6 a.m.

There is joy, but there is also boredom sometimes.

celia

Beautiful Mess said...

You hit the nail on the head with this one! You worded it beautifully, good job! It's hard to think of how my life was like before children, but sometimes I do miss those days when I could just jump in the car and go wherever I wanted and didn't have to worry about a "curfew". Then I come back to reality and it feels good to have a curfew every now and then.
Enjoy your day,
-D *ICLW*

Seriously? - Erin said...

This captures one of my biggest fears about becoming a mom (I am 25 weeks). I know I will love being a mom, but I won't be perfect, my husband won't be perfect, my son won't be either. I am sure it will be great but there will be some things about this life that I miss. Like my totally to myself Saturdays (DH works a 12 hour shift). Soon it won't be so carefree.

ICLW

Amber said...

I've worried that I would feel this way when our live baby finally comes...and I guess I still do worry about it. So thank you for making me know that even if I do miss some things it won't make me a bad mother and that I won't be alone. Good luck with your pregnancy (and twins!).

(Here from ICLW)

Andrea said...

Tanks for your honest post. I always appreciate the people who are honest about how kids have changes their lives. I know I will totally be in love with our future child(ren), but that they will also present new trials and tribulations. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Elana Kahn said...

Congrats on being pregnant with twins!! Thanks for your comment on my blog too. My husband's name is Samuel, so I think it's a great pick for a boy. :-)

Stacie said...

So true, so true. Congratulations on your twin pregnancy!

Here from ICLW

Dreams Come True said...

Everything you've said is 100% true. Change is a part of life, but that doesn't mean that we can't love what comes next while missing some of the things that came before.

Congratulations on your twins!

chicklet said...

While I'm not pregnant yet, and may never be, this is the side of having kids I worry about so I appreciate your honesty. So many people make it out to be all sunshine and rainbows, when we're human, and how can we help but NOT miss that old freedom?! Thanks for posting this.

Carrie27 said...

I'm going to have to keep up with you and find out more about you and your family. I have a 19 month old and 2 month twins. We have similar stories. You think you miss your old life now, wait until you have those twins. It's amazing how much will change when you add two babies to the mix. I have wrote alot about the adjustments we've made with adding the twins, and just like you I would never take anything back, but I, of course, miss the freedom and relaxation we had with just one to now 3 kiddos.

Kristin said...

You are so very accurate with this post. I love my children. I adore my children. But, I really miss the freedom to eat or not eat as I please. Scheduled meals are a necessity.

CappyPrincess said...

Amen! I struggled with feeling like a failure as a parent for wishing for parts of my "pre-parent" life after the children came along. Never did it diminish my feelings for my children. I hope more mother's are realizing it's ok to miss the old live.

ICLW

Brenda said...

Thanks for such an honest post. I try to remind myself that if/when I have a child, my life will not be instantly perfect, carefree, wonderful. I am going to use this post to remind myself to enjoy my life child-full or child free :)

ICLW

Michelle said...

I often think about this. I try to look at the positives to not having children. I long for children to fill my empty heart and home but is also nice to do what I want when I want.

Mermaid said...

Well written post! I secretly fear that I will have no part of my life that I recognize once we have children. I'm glad to know that someone can struggle with IF, love their child with all their heart, and still miss a part of their old life - and be normal!

Echloe said...

Thanks for being so honest. I think most of our friends with kids act like their lives are so uber perfect and it just makes me annoyed. Glad to hear it couldn't possibly be perfect all the time. Of course I still want that lifestyle. I'll take the bad with the good. But it is very nice to hear some truth about parenting.

ICLW

sara said...

I think that is so true. I think that anyone who's a parent has to remember that they have their own life, plus the one of being a parent. When I got home last week from being in the hospital for the last couple months I left our new daughter with my husband for an hour to go to Target because I had been dying to do that for weeks. I got home feeling refreshed because I did something very shortly "just for me" and it felt great!
ICLW