I also thought I had moved past the tearing of my heart as I left my two babies in a hospital in Boston while I traveled home only to return each day praying that it would be the day they were healthy enough to transfer to a NICU closer to home. I thought I couldn't hear those beeps of the machines as their oxygen levels dipped from another apnea spell. I thought I didn't remember how it felt to awkwardly hold those tiny bodies for the first time trying desperately not to pull out their CPAP tubes or their feeding tubes.
But I do feel it, I do feel bitter and angry. I know there are stories much worse than ours and I know that in the grand scheme of things we are very lucky to have three happy healthy children challenging us daily in their defiance but also showering us in their love. However, sometimes all those emotions of the past come flooding back.
As happy as I am for a family member who recently gave birth and as happy as I am that they don't have to go through what we did, it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. This baby was conceived quickly and easily. This baby came 6 weeks early (almost the same as mine) and yet the mom was able to get both steroid shots (I only had one and it didn't have enough time to really work) and somehow this small newborn (4 lbs 12 oz - Alex was 4.9 and Emily was 4.3) gets to go home.
So I sit here feeling torn. I am both happy and bitter. I really thought I had moved beyond this but I guess once an infertile always an infertile. Once a NICU mom, always a NICU mom.