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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Getting Lost

I've started writing this post several times and keep erasing it because I don't like what I've written. I've probably written it about a hundred times in my head as well.

First, I'd like to apologize to my husband for calling him a "big fat slob". He's not big and he's not fat and I suppose he could be much slobbier. It's not like I haven't told him this a million times so that post definitely wasn't news however it seems putting it in writing is something different all together.

Second, that post wasn't so much about my husband or his family, as it was about how I'm feeling and the more I think about it the more I realize that my feelings these days fall in to two categories. One of which is the feeling that this is my only place where I can express my emotions and feel like someone out there is listening and possibly empathizing with me. I have a lot of great friends but they all either live far away or have their own lives to contend with. There is one in particular that lives across the pond who I could tell anything to and I miss her dearly but we don't talk much these days. She has her own issues to sort out. I think many of the other people in my life don't really want to hear about the messy stuff. They just want to believe that I'm always happy and that everything is perfect. However, I must say that I think someone is emerging that I can really talk to and that has made me very happy over the last few days.

I do want to add, however, that if you are reading this blog and think that it is just a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy and my little family, then you are in the wrong place. I'm not going to shy away from messy topics here and while I will certainly highlight the joys in my life, I will also talk about the frustrations.

The other thing I'm feeling is a sense that I'm losing the essence of my being, that I have simply become a series of roles, a mother, a daughter, a wife, an employee, a pregnant woman and a friend. If you strip away those roles I'm not sure I know who I am anymore. This definitely leaves me with a sense of despair but also makes me realize that I can't lose that person. That I have to fight to keep her part of my life. I know it isn't going to be easy but I have to make it happen.

This pregnancy definitely has me riding a roller coaster. Some days I feel strong and I know that I can do it and everything will work out. But, like most people, I have my weak moments where everything and anything gets to me (like a messy house) and I break down. I'm sure once the twins are born the roller coaster will continue so if you choose to read my blog, hang on tight!


The Olsons said...

Rebecca ~ Thanks so much for being real. This roller coaster is truly life as we know it now. I would love to hear more about the "you" aside from the roles. This too is a real life struggle.

Again, it is so true, we need more people to be real with. It is sad when we can only find that in the virtual world.


Carrie27 said...

Oh, how I can completely relate to everything you are going through. I'm reliving my pregnancy with the twins. I'll be honest, that I have just recently (past month) gotten a hold of who I am.

nonlineargirl said...

Right with you. Some days everything is a struggle. Others I wonder why I was so worried yesterday. Strength to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi my lovely,

I'm going to be very presumptuous and hope that it was me that you mentioned 'over the pond'. I miss you very much too. And I love reading your blog as it is a way of feeling I'm still in your life in some way.

I think of you loads, and yes I have still got a lot of issues to sort out (which I'm always cross with myself for never seeming to clear down the pile!) but I feel I'm finally getting there. Though I'm running on adrenaline right now(been studying all night for my exams next week! ha!) as I also have this vague wondering about what my future identity will hold for me. I haven't even got kids yet, but I feel I need to get my career change kick started before they are fully on the scene as I'm worried what will happen to 'me' once I become a mum. I'm frightened I won't be able to do anything else 'new', that requires some learning or reskilling, for a while once I have lots of other new things to do revolving around kids and family. I guess I'm trying to assert my identity now instead. Ah, sometimes I think I think too much ;)

Having waffled on, I just wanted to sympathise over the mindfry that you're going through right now. If you can (and I know it's hard right now) take some 'me' time for pure relaxation. You deserve it! You will find yourself again - you'll reach an equilibrium and things will start to fall into place. That's what I tell myself when my life is going really crazy :). A bit of a stomp and a cry usually make me feel better too :D

Anyways, wish me luck, I'm doing some serious symptom watching and hoping the BD has worked this month! Hopefully I can finally get to be preggers at the same time as you!

All my love