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Monday, August 25, 2008

Suppressed? Check.

And so it begins. Last night was my last birth control pill and this morning I went in for a suppression check which consisted of a blood draw and fun, fun vaginal ultrasound. Boy do I love those...not! But, it looks like everything is good to go. I start the hard drugs on Friday.

I will begin with 300 mg of Gonal F and 75 mg of Repronex. Both are injected using a small insulin needle. The Gonal F is sitting in my fridge and comes in pen form. You simply dial in the amount and inject the drugs. I like to inject in to my stomach. Maybe because all the fat cushions the needle. The Repronex comes in two vials, one with powder and one with saline solution. You draw up the solution in to the syringe then inject the solution in to the vial with the powder. You mix it up, draw it back in to the syringe and inject away. Very soon I will feel like a pincushion.

This cycle is for baby #2 and I must admit that it feels very different. While I very much want a second child I would describe my feelings as ambiguous. I feel neither the sense of excitement nor the sense of desperation that I had when we were trying for baby #1. I really want this to work and I know that if it doesn't I will probably be very upset but just now I feel almost angry. Angry that I have to go through this again to have another baby. Angry that the one time I managed to get pregnant it ended up in a miscarriage. Angry that I have to worry about how to find the time for the endless blood draws, ultrasounds and other invasive procedures and somehow balance everything else in my life.

I know that having baby #1 makes me a very lucky girl. There are so many women out there still trying for #1 and I'm angry for them too.

1 comment:

The Olsons said...

Thanks for your honesty, Rebecca. My prayers are with you. I know I don't completely understand everything you've been through. Dana